The Love Thing

It's Valentines Week...
I just saw The Vow...
I'm staying with my married friend and her hubby...
It's hard to not fall into that "where's my knight in shining armor and happily ever after" or I want a head-over-heels kind of love, mind-frame.

As I digest the stimuli, memories, and thoughts that surround me right now, I keep remembering that I don't really know what a knight or head-over-heels love is. In Corinthians 13 it gives the definition of a true, great love and in 1 John I read that GOD IS LOVE.

Alas my heart so desperately wants to know that someone is thinking about me, cares about me, and wants to hear my voice everyday. I want a physical human being to fit this description but these expectations may be too high. I know love is not a check list of qualifications that is completed on time every time like I try to turn it into.

I have a new years goal of learning how to love and I have discovered that first I need to unlearn what I think, have seen, and been told about what love is! How great it would be to have a fairy tale life but how boring and unexciting it would be. I would take for granted all the greatness my fairy tale life would give me. I would never truly know what great love is without the struggles to find it.

I grow in knowledge daily, if I put my own desires on the back burner, of the love God has for me. Parents, friends, and boyfriends will CONSTANTLY let me down. That's the beauty of God, I wouldn't need him as much if humans were always building me up and meeting my expectations. I can't be hard on them and on myself when expectations aren't met, I have to let go and let God and that's an easier said than done thought.

I hear songs on the radio and think that in some way that song is a worship song from my heart to God. This week my song is Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is".  The song is not meant to be worshipful but the lyrics cry out to God (ok it's probably sung to a girl but girls have crazy notions about love that I wouldn't trust). In all reality I don't want some boy to teach me how to love because I know what is truly on his mind and it doesn't end happily ever after for my heart, at least I haven't seen it happen yet.

I want the essence of love to teach me, to guide and instruct me to love, others and myself. I follow a jealous God and I truly believe that my heart wants a jealous love. A love of someone who fights for and desires my affection.

So all you lucky ones who are getting flowers or chocolates for Valentines Day, I'm getting a beautiful sunset and sparkling stars that were created just for me. And for you as well.

I'll remind myself not to be disappointed that my own romantic expectations were not met with dinner and a movie (and maybe a ring...ok a girl can hope!) because in all reality the universe was given to me out of a romantic love from my own heavenly bridegroom!





I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh

I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me

Middle School...need I say more?

Today I subbed at Abe Hubert, my ol' middle school stomping ground. Boy did it bring back memories!

Have I ever told you that I didn't really have friends in middle school? I was kind of shy. I moved around in elementary school and intermediate school. My friends from those schools went  to the other middle school so it was a new group of people to get to know. It was a lonely yet opening time for me. I made a lot of mistakes, one of them includes tripping a beast of a boy and fracturing my leg but anyway, I have one story that really stuck with me.

I participated in middle school girls basketball. There was one girl on the team that I thought was my "friend". She would ask me to take her home (which meant my mom and I drove her across town to her family trailer). We always took her home. We would talk and laugh the drive time away.

Since my chums all ate together at lunch, I would try and find a spot with them. When I did eat there my "friend" would give me a dollar to go get her a drink from the vending machine. Every time I ate with her she would do that. I thought I was her favorite friend and that she liked me enough to trust me with her dollar.

One day one of the girls that ate at the table came up to me and said that my "friend" would make fun of me when I walked away to get her drink. I didn't ask details because that stung. How could the girl I'm nice to, give rides to, and talk to be so mean to me?

After I found out, my mom and I still gave her rides, I still pretended that we were friends and I never really hung out with her after the basketball season ended. I would think "how can she ask for a ride home from me when her friends she liked are right there?"

Going through this helps me to remember that no matter what I say about someone, somebody is saying something like that about me. This memory has hindered my relationship building, especially during high school, because I feel like my friends will stab me in the back at sometime during our relationship. I do have people that have proven amazing and those are the ones that have broken through my wall I have built up to protect myself and have proven that friends really are a huge blessing instead of a curse. 

So there is a back story of my life...it's good to reflect on this, I hadn't noticed what my little friend did to my heart but this is good, time to forgive and forget (again)!

The Nephews

           Not gonna lie, Skieger and Camrin are a huge part of who I am. They brought the family together with their births. They've added joy and love to our lives. They are also full of laughs and ways to make us laugh.

          Now they are so big and getting older by the day. I loved being able to see them while I was in college and being a part of their younger years. After that I drifted away, starting a new life and being away has made it hard on following family.

        It's been tough living so far from my dad's family (they all live around Tulsa, OK) and not being able to grow-up with them and getting to know them better. I've struggled with the urge (it seems like a burden some days) to connect with family outside the shadow of my parents. Trying to build relationships with almost complete strangers that I'm related to. It has to be a focus and priority to build up relationships, a big part of it is forgiveness and shedding our own selfish wants and desires to better a relationship. I am floating around now, not really knowing my family. I'm haunted with the thought that any one at any time can pass away and the earthly relationship is over.

        Now I have a new niece and I'm set on making her a bigger priority in my life. My nephews have given me a chance to see that little ones are always watching what I do, Lord help me to be a Godly example for the little ones in my life!

Since I'm Already Talking About Cousins...

Nicole and the Chipmunk

   This is one of my all time favorite pictures! I love the way Nicole's shirt matches the background of the Colorado scenery. Getting my first love for adventure on trips with the family to see the family. I'm glad the rest of my family didn't live in Kansas when I was little, then we wouldn't have gotten to go anywhere since mostly the vacations we took were to see family.

   After working in the parks I have learned that feeding animals, touching animals, and just being around animals is dangerous and harmful for all those involved. I am a changed person since this picture was taken, I no that a fed chipmunk is a dead chipmunk and that they can bite your hand off in a matter of seconds (thank you Zion National Park for that image!) But I feel a sense of responsibility now that I have that knowledge and can't go back to the care-free treatment of animals. I shudder when I see people try and pet a fox and I have to tell someone to stop feeding the birds their breadcrumbs. However when I get back home to Kansas I feed the animals. I take old bread to the zoo, I throw out my banana peel when driving, and I give the cats the meat I don't want to eat.

    So is there a difference between the two places? Is it ok to feed the animals in Kansas when it's frowned upon in National Parks? There are a million more people visiting National Parks then there are visiting my Kansas house, should that make a difference? Well this little chipmunk got fed and we had a beautiful day! I'm grateful for the beautiful experiences that have built up in my mind to feed my adventurous side, thanks family!

Cuz

            

            Today my focus is on cousins. Cousins - The people in your family you can marry in Arkansas, the ones that I played with in ways that made grandma nervous, and a person who lightens up a party just like Cousin Eddie. Today I ponder the great memories I made with my cousins. Even though I may not know them as well as I would like, they still are a part of who I am. Remember your cousins today and send them a little note saying your thinking of them.

My favorite memories with my cousins:

         * Wienie roasts and summer nights. On one of those nights Nicole, Robert, and I were walking on the wooden "bridge" above the Catholic ditch. Someone was bouncing on the board and we all tumbled into the cow pea water, right after a shower.

         * One day Tyler and Robert come into the house smelling like something fierce. They decided to jump into piles of cow dung for fun.

         * Christmas was always better with Nicole and Robert. Sleeping in the living room altogether, I still don't know how Santa made it through without waking someone up.

         * Hunting Easter eggs with the cousins from Oklahoma in Grandma Dunbar's back yard. 

The Beginning

Grandpa Harvey and I eating watermelon.

Great Grandpa Hanks holding me a couple days old.

Random pictures I've scanned

To start this new year I need to start at the beginning, family. I would be nowhere without them, especially the ones I have never met or didn't get to know. I start this little project with memories of past experiences where family have shown support and love, through that I have become the woman I am today. I begin with prayers, blessings, and thoughts for my family, may this year bring strengthened relationships and more love.