I've been reading a book titled The Good and Beautiful Community by James Bryan Smith (in the book he talks about the college Friends because he worked there and that brought out my Jinxy Cat pride since my alma mater is their rivals. GO SC!).
This book has brought to light a narrative that has been a cornerstone of my faith and also the cause of much frustration, stress, and defeat. The checklist for being a Christian narrative. I've realized that a lot of my beliefs are stemming from this. The list is exhaustive and with every new chapter I read another item or two is added.
Examples include baptism, forgiving others, having hope, being right with God during communion or you might internally combust (I stress out about this one a lot), my identity is found in what I do, etc. These may seem small and harmless but these items have been the cause of much distress in my faith. I'm not good enough to do these items. I CAN'T DO IT, I fail, I'm useless, and it's NOT about me!
Smith has brought to my attention that Satan has turned these items into legalistic rules to be a Christian in my life. He's been feeding me YEARS of lies that I'm slowly digging myself out of. I'm so thankful for the truth that is being shown in my life through this. I've found freedom through the truth that if my "heart beats in love with Jesus"(Smith) then I can fellowship. It's not what I've done or will do it's about where my heart is.
Those items that "make me Christian" have actually skewed and interfered with my relationship with my creator. It's not what can I do to get better, the focus and responsibility is off of me and more on God's love and how I react to it! Those items should be more of a reaction to God's love and NOT about getting me closer to God.
I'm also taking part in a mindfulness summit (http://themindfulnesssummit.com/) that is focusing on the practice of mindfulness and is linked to Buddhist teachings. I enjoy learning and gaining new insight and practices to add to my faith and thought this would be a benefit.
As I was watching the video today it occurred to me why Christianity is my religious thought to follow- I don't have to do it! I can't and won't ever have the right life to reach nirvana or take myself away from suffering. It's not what I do that does that, it's God that helps me through suffering and to enlightenment.
I'm not and will never be good enough to live a life that will break the incarnation cycle. It's too stressful to think about doing things to make me good enough. It's so freeing to know that it's not me who will do it but instead because of God's love I don't have that responsibility and because of Jesus' sacrifice I'm a part of God's plan.
So, when I slip-up, when I fail at checking the items off of my Christian list, it won't affect my after life. I don't have to beat myself up over it. I am loved and taken care of and because of that I live in freedom that it's not my goodness but instead it's God's love that crosses the items to be done off and I live in the peace that passes understanding, overflowing in the joy of the truth of the Lord!
I don't have to be a good person, I just live in the reaction I have to God's overwhelming love!
