I've been reading a book titled The Good and Beautiful Community by James Bryan Smith (in the book he talks about the college Friends because he worked there and that brought out my Jinxy Cat pride since my alma mater is their rivals. GO SC!).
This book has brought to light a narrative that has been a cornerstone of my faith and also the cause of much frustration, stress, and defeat. The checklist for being a Christian narrative. I've realized that a lot of my beliefs are stemming from this. The list is exhaustive and with every new chapter I read another item or two is added.
Examples include baptism, forgiving others, having hope, being right with God during communion or you might internally combust (I stress out about this one a lot), my identity is found in what I do, etc. These may seem small and harmless but these items have been the cause of much distress in my faith. I'm not good enough to do these items. I CAN'T DO IT, I fail, I'm useless, and it's NOT about me!
Smith has brought to my attention that Satan has turned these items into legalistic rules to be a Christian in my life. He's been feeding me YEARS of lies that I'm slowly digging myself out of. I'm so thankful for the truth that is being shown in my life through this. I've found freedom through the truth that if my "heart beats in love with Jesus"(Smith) then I can fellowship. It's not what I've done or will do it's about where my heart is.
Those items that "make me Christian" have actually skewed and interfered with my relationship with my creator. It's not what can I do to get better, the focus and responsibility is off of me and more on God's love and how I react to it! Those items should be more of a reaction to God's love and NOT about getting me closer to God.
I'm also taking part in a mindfulness summit (http://themindfulnesssummit.com/) that is focusing on the practice of mindfulness and is linked to Buddhist teachings. I enjoy learning and gaining new insight and practices to add to my faith and thought this would be a benefit.
As I was watching the video today it occurred to me why Christianity is my religious thought to follow- I don't have to do it! I can't and won't ever have the right life to reach nirvana or take myself away from suffering. It's not what I do that does that, it's God that helps me through suffering and to enlightenment.
I'm not and will never be good enough to live a life that will break the incarnation cycle. It's too stressful to think about doing things to make me good enough. It's so freeing to know that it's not me who will do it but instead because of God's love I don't have that responsibility and because of Jesus' sacrifice I'm a part of God's plan.
So, when I slip-up, when I fail at checking the items off of my Christian list, it won't affect my after life. I don't have to beat myself up over it. I am loved and taken care of and because of that I live in freedom that it's not my goodness but instead it's God's love that crosses the items to be done off and I live in the peace that passes understanding, overflowing in the joy of the truth of the Lord!
I don't have to be a good person, I just live in the reaction I have to God's overwhelming love!
02 October 2015
20 January 2013
The Greatest Commandment is to Love God....
with all your heart, soul, and strength (Matthew 22:37-38).
This was the basis of the children's message today at church. I would like to share the insight that I received from focusing on this and the Deuteronomy 6 scripture.
This
week let’s remember to show God how much we love Him. We can tell Him through
prayer, show Him through our kind actions to others, or ask our parents more about
what God is like.
This was the basis of the children's message today at church. I would like to share the insight that I received from focusing on this and the Deuteronomy 6 scripture.
Our scripture reading today had this verse
and I thought it was interesting to think about. How do we love God with our
heart, soul, and strength? What are some examples that you do? Is it easy to
do? Do you do it every day? Hmmm…lets dig deeper into this verse.Love the Lord your God with all your heart.
Did you know that our fist is the same size as our heart? Our heart sometimes stands for what emotion? What is an emotion? That’s right! Our heart is the center of our emotions,
thoughts, and words.
The Bible says to guard our heart for it is the wellspring
of life, that’s a fancy way of saying keep our heart covered from bad things
because it’s the cause of our actions. How can we love God through our emotions,
actions, and thoughts? An example is if we get angry
and make a fist, let’s remember that our fist is the same size as our heart and
that our heart equals love. So when we get angry, how can we show love? When we are sad how can we show love? When we are happy how
can we show love?
The next part of our verse is “Love the
Lord your God with all your soul”. I
think soul means everything we are and how we interact with God. When we look
at this math problem, is it easy to understand? Just like God is complex,
that’s a fancy word for saying hard to understand, sometimes, so is this math
problem. By reading about math, practicing math problems, and learning from a
wise teacher we will someday fully understand how to solve this problem. Same
as if we read the Bible, practice showing love, and learn from older kids and
adults about God and Jesus we will someday fully understand him. Learning about God is a way to love Him; it
shows that we care about Him because we will spend time getting to know Him, we
are interested in Him.
The last part of this verse is “Love the
Lord your God with all your strength” or might in some versions. Can anyone lift this weight? Well it says in Philippians that I can do all
things through Christ who STRENGTHENS me. Jesus is the one who gives us
strength, not ourselves. Our bodies are on loan from Christ and by using what
God has given us wisely is a great way to show God we love Him. What are some
things God gives us besides our strength? How can we use them wisely? (examples eg. God gives us toys through our parents or friends, we can use them
wisely by sharing them with our brother).
12 January 2013
To be a Christian without prayer...
...is no more possible than to be alive without breathing. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Today as my 3 year old niece and I were enjoying a tea-party she stopped me and said "don't drink yet, we need to pray". I was taken aback by that comment but inside I was pleasantly surprised. We stopped pouring tea, bowed our heads, and she spouted off a couple words I couldn't understand. I think God heard, understood, and was enjoying the conversation over tea.
After a couple cups of tea found their place in our bellies, Ry looks up at me and spoke "STOP, it's your turn to pray to the Father". I bowed my head and offered a thanks to God for the "tea" and the company. How simple it was to stop what we were doing (for a few seconds) and pray. There's not a better way to bring people together then over a meal or tea. Discussions, conversations, and true community happen around the table. It's easier to remember to pray when sitting around the table seeing the blessings that God provides through food but we are called to pray continually!
The dictionary definition for continually is "very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually". The word habitually stuck out the most to me. Prayer should be a habit not just a second thought throughout our day. Yesterday as I was walking home from school I was thinking about how I didn't pray once while I was in the classroom. I prayed while I was getting ready before school but not during. As the day went on, my nerves were frazzling, and the students were getting wild, that's when I needed to pray the most! Praying in the morning was a great way to get my day started and praying while going home was a productive time to spend the minutes walking but praying should be ongoing not only during certain times of the day; like supper when sitting around the dinner table.
How can I make prayer a habit? Every time I pass something, think something, or do something how can I get my thoughts to go directly into conversation with my creator?
It'll take practice, discipline, and grace from God to help me do this. I read on a website at beliefnet.com, ten quick ways to pray. Here's the list:
1. When your alarm goes off in the morning, open your eyes and repeat this line from the Psalms: "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad."
2. Water is a powerful spiritual symbol. As you soap and rinse in the shower, pray to be cleansed of any feelings of anger, bitterness, resentment, or regret. Recall the words of Isaiah (58:11): "The Lord will guide you continually… You shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail."
3. This one is especially for those who commute to work. Turn your time behind the wheel into time for prayer. Before starting the car engine, place your hands lightly on the steering wheel and breathe deeply several times. Ask the Holy Spirit to steer you through your day. Back out of your driveway slowly, and remain aware of the slowness. As you drive, think about your 'to-be' list. Let words like compassionate, serene and diligent percolate through your mind. Let grace-filled thoughts carry you in a loving manner through the day.
4. If you work on an upper floor in a multi-story building, skip the elevator and climb the stairs. Make your climb work for your body and your soul. Climb thoughtfully, breathing slowly. Use the time alone to experience a connection with God. Pause at each landing. Catch your breath, and focus for a moment on the blessings in your life. Say thanks before continuing your climb.
5. No stairs? Next time you share an elevator with someone, say a silent prayer. Ask God to meet the other person's unique needs. Add a smile of your own.
6. We all feel too busy. It has become a workplace axiom that multi-tasking is a good thing, but a growing body of research shows that it actually erodes productivity. Instead of dividing our concentration among many tasks, do one thing at a time-prayerfully. Offer your work as a prayerful gift to God. Ask for the grace to do it meaningfully, and without anxiety.
7. In times of stress, we are often tempted to reach for foods that aren't healthy for us. Before you reach for the fried foods, sugar or chips- try this. Wait one minute. Offer the minute to God and ask for the grace you need to control your appetite. Chances are you'll no longer be tempted until the minute is up. If you do give in-just remember, God forgives you. Forgive yourself.
8. Native Americans have this saying: "Never let a day go by without touching the earth with your foot." If only a couple of times each week, take a five or ten minute break to walk in a meditative way. Give up your usual energized stride to pay attention to the movement of lifting your leg, bending your knee, and placing your foot. Observe your breathing and your body. Look around. Notice the squirrels, the trees, and the sounds of nature. Nature tunes us into God's presence.
9. Next time you cook, pay attention to the memories that are sparked by the dishes you make. Perhaps you have old recipes lying around that you have forgotten about. Bless all those who sweeten your recollections, thanking God for the spiritual nourishment these people have brought to your life.
10. This is a good one for moms of school kids. When making your child's lunch, whisper a prayer as though you are sending the prayer right into your child's meal. You might even tuck in a blessing on a post-it note.
Some of these ideas aren't pertinent per say but good idea starters and ways to change our thoughts and attitudes toward prayer. I hope our thoughts about prayer may change from just at tables and in bed, to a continuous conversation. Let it be a constant on-going tea party with the lover of our souls.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Today as my 3 year old niece and I were enjoying a tea-party she stopped me and said "don't drink yet, we need to pray". I was taken aback by that comment but inside I was pleasantly surprised. We stopped pouring tea, bowed our heads, and she spouted off a couple words I couldn't understand. I think God heard, understood, and was enjoying the conversation over tea.
After a couple cups of tea found their place in our bellies, Ry looks up at me and spoke "STOP, it's your turn to pray to the Father". I bowed my head and offered a thanks to God for the "tea" and the company. How simple it was to stop what we were doing (for a few seconds) and pray. There's not a better way to bring people together then over a meal or tea. Discussions, conversations, and true community happen around the table. It's easier to remember to pray when sitting around the table seeing the blessings that God provides through food but we are called to pray continually!
The dictionary definition for continually is "very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually". The word habitually stuck out the most to me. Prayer should be a habit not just a second thought throughout our day. Yesterday as I was walking home from school I was thinking about how I didn't pray once while I was in the classroom. I prayed while I was getting ready before school but not during. As the day went on, my nerves were frazzling, and the students were getting wild, that's when I needed to pray the most! Praying in the morning was a great way to get my day started and praying while going home was a productive time to spend the minutes walking but praying should be ongoing not only during certain times of the day; like supper when sitting around the dinner table.
How can I make prayer a habit? Every time I pass something, think something, or do something how can I get my thoughts to go directly into conversation with my creator?
It'll take practice, discipline, and grace from God to help me do this. I read on a website at beliefnet.com, ten quick ways to pray. Here's the list:
1. When your alarm goes off in the morning, open your eyes and repeat this line from the Psalms: "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad."
2. Water is a powerful spiritual symbol. As you soap and rinse in the shower, pray to be cleansed of any feelings of anger, bitterness, resentment, or regret. Recall the words of Isaiah (58:11): "The Lord will guide you continually… You shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail."
3. This one is especially for those who commute to work. Turn your time behind the wheel into time for prayer. Before starting the car engine, place your hands lightly on the steering wheel and breathe deeply several times. Ask the Holy Spirit to steer you through your day. Back out of your driveway slowly, and remain aware of the slowness. As you drive, think about your 'to-be' list. Let words like compassionate, serene and diligent percolate through your mind. Let grace-filled thoughts carry you in a loving manner through the day.
4. If you work on an upper floor in a multi-story building, skip the elevator and climb the stairs. Make your climb work for your body and your soul. Climb thoughtfully, breathing slowly. Use the time alone to experience a connection with God. Pause at each landing. Catch your breath, and focus for a moment on the blessings in your life. Say thanks before continuing your climb.
5. No stairs? Next time you share an elevator with someone, say a silent prayer. Ask God to meet the other person's unique needs. Add a smile of your own.
6. We all feel too busy. It has become a workplace axiom that multi-tasking is a good thing, but a growing body of research shows that it actually erodes productivity. Instead of dividing our concentration among many tasks, do one thing at a time-prayerfully. Offer your work as a prayerful gift to God. Ask for the grace to do it meaningfully, and without anxiety.
7. In times of stress, we are often tempted to reach for foods that aren't healthy for us. Before you reach for the fried foods, sugar or chips- try this. Wait one minute. Offer the minute to God and ask for the grace you need to control your appetite. Chances are you'll no longer be tempted until the minute is up. If you do give in-just remember, God forgives you. Forgive yourself.
8. Native Americans have this saying: "Never let a day go by without touching the earth with your foot." If only a couple of times each week, take a five or ten minute break to walk in a meditative way. Give up your usual energized stride to pay attention to the movement of lifting your leg, bending your knee, and placing your foot. Observe your breathing and your body. Look around. Notice the squirrels, the trees, and the sounds of nature. Nature tunes us into God's presence.
9. Next time you cook, pay attention to the memories that are sparked by the dishes you make. Perhaps you have old recipes lying around that you have forgotten about. Bless all those who sweeten your recollections, thanking God for the spiritual nourishment these people have brought to your life.
10. This is a good one for moms of school kids. When making your child's lunch, whisper a prayer as though you are sending the prayer right into your child's meal. You might even tuck in a blessing on a post-it note.
Some of these ideas aren't pertinent per say but good idea starters and ways to change our thoughts and attitudes toward prayer. I hope our thoughts about prayer may change from just at tables and in bed, to a continuous conversation. Let it be a constant on-going tea party with the lover of our souls.04 January 2013
He's Got The Whole What!?!?
It's a new year.
It's a time for fresh beginnings.
It's a time for reflection and change.
It's a time for stress, depression,and worry.
Last night as I was driving home I was reflecting on my new responsibilities, my relationships, and my attitude. 2012 was not a year of growth, it was a year of stuck in the mud. I'm glad I can look back and see what my faith and relationships were like and how I can use my mistakes to change my attitude for 2013.
The first thought that came to mind was of how JESUS came to save (John 3:17, a verse looked over a lot because of the predecessor, John 3:16) not me. I didn't come to save anybody or anything. I am a sinner, a failure, and I fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). I focused on trying to fix myself all on my own last year that I just ran into a wall, fell over, and didn't get anywhere. It was a discouraging year but this year will be different. It's a time for beginnings, change, and worry...
How do I continue to give up my shortcomings to Jesus? How do I stop myself from fixing my own heart and my own problems? What is this year really going to be like, what will happen to me?
To answer those questions (and more) I need to change my attitude and way of self-thinking. I need to decide that Jesus is trustworthy and that He can do it better than I can any day. I also need to understand that He truly cares!!! Jesus WANTS to love me, change me, and SAVE me.
As I continued driving, the song "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" popped into my head. I was singing it but then new lyrics came to me...He's got my future in His hands, He's got my future in His hands, He's got my future in His hands, He's got my whole life in His hands...
It was encouraging to be reminded that God has this, I just have to let Him work. I kept singing and adding my own words like relationships, worries and cares, etc.
He's got it ALL in His hands, I just need to keep it there and not try to take over. To a new year and a new attitude!
It's a time for fresh beginnings.
It's a time for reflection and change.
It's a time for stress, depression,and worry.
Last night as I was driving home I was reflecting on my new responsibilities, my relationships, and my attitude. 2012 was not a year of growth, it was a year of stuck in the mud. I'm glad I can look back and see what my faith and relationships were like and how I can use my mistakes to change my attitude for 2013.
The first thought that came to mind was of how JESUS came to save (John 3:17, a verse looked over a lot because of the predecessor, John 3:16) not me. I didn't come to save anybody or anything. I am a sinner, a failure, and I fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). I focused on trying to fix myself all on my own last year that I just ran into a wall, fell over, and didn't get anywhere. It was a discouraging year but this year will be different. It's a time for beginnings, change, and worry...
How do I continue to give up my shortcomings to Jesus? How do I stop myself from fixing my own heart and my own problems? What is this year really going to be like, what will happen to me?
To answer those questions (and more) I need to change my attitude and way of self-thinking. I need to decide that Jesus is trustworthy and that He can do it better than I can any day. I also need to understand that He truly cares!!! Jesus WANTS to love me, change me, and SAVE me.
As I continued driving, the song "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" popped into my head. I was singing it but then new lyrics came to me...He's got my future in His hands, He's got my future in His hands, He's got my future in His hands, He's got my whole life in His hands...
It was encouraging to be reminded that God has this, I just have to let Him work. I kept singing and adding my own words like relationships, worries and cares, etc.
He's got it ALL in His hands, I just need to keep it there and not try to take over. To a new year and a new attitude!
13 February 2012
The Love Thing
It's Valentines Week...
I just saw The Vow...
I'm staying with my married friend and her hubby...
It's hard to not fall into that "where's my knight in shining armor and happily ever after" or I want a head-over-heels kind of love, mind-frame.
As I digest the stimuli, memories, and thoughts that surround me right now, I keep remembering that I don't really know what a knight or head-over-heels love is. In Corinthians 13 it gives the definition of a true, great love and in 1 John I read that GOD IS LOVE.
Alas my heart so desperately wants to know that someone is thinking about me, cares about me, and wants to hear my voice everyday. I want a physical human being to fit this description but these expectations may be too high. I know love is not a check list of qualifications that is completed on time every time like I try to turn it into.
I have a new years goal of learning how to love and I have discovered that first I need to unlearn what I think, have seen, and been told about what love is! How great it would be to have a fairy tale life but how boring and unexciting it would be. I would take for granted all the greatness my fairy tale life would give me. I would never truly know what great love is without the struggles to find it.
I grow in knowledge daily, if I put my own desires on the back burner, of the love God has for me. Parents, friends, and boyfriends will CONSTANTLY let me down. That's the beauty of God, I wouldn't need him as much if humans were always building me up and meeting my expectations. I can't be hard on them and on myself when expectations aren't met, I have to let go and let God and that's an easier said than done thought.
I hear songs on the radio and think that in some way that song is a worship song from my heart to God. This week my song is Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is". The song is not meant to be worshipful but the lyrics cry out to God (ok it's probably sung to a girl but girls have crazy notions about love that I wouldn't trust). In all reality I don't want some boy to teach me how to love because I know what is truly on his mind and it doesn't end happily ever after for my heart, at least I haven't seen it happen yet.
I want the essence of love to teach me, to guide and instruct me to love, others and myself. I follow a jealous God and I truly believe that my heart wants a jealous love. A love of someone who fights for and desires my affection.
So all you lucky ones who are getting flowers or chocolates for Valentines Day, I'm getting a beautiful sunset and sparkling stars that were created just for me. And for you as well.
I'll remind myself not to be disappointed that my own romantic expectations were not met with dinner and a movie (and maybe a ring...ok a girl can hope!) because in all reality the universe was given to me out of a romantic love from my own heavenly bridegroom!
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me
I just saw The Vow...
I'm staying with my married friend and her hubby...
It's hard to not fall into that "where's my knight in shining armor and happily ever after" or I want a head-over-heels kind of love, mind-frame.
As I digest the stimuli, memories, and thoughts that surround me right now, I keep remembering that I don't really know what a knight or head-over-heels love is. In Corinthians 13 it gives the definition of a true, great love and in 1 John I read that GOD IS LOVE.
Alas my heart so desperately wants to know that someone is thinking about me, cares about me, and wants to hear my voice everyday. I want a physical human being to fit this description but these expectations may be too high. I know love is not a check list of qualifications that is completed on time every time like I try to turn it into.
I have a new years goal of learning how to love and I have discovered that first I need to unlearn what I think, have seen, and been told about what love is! How great it would be to have a fairy tale life but how boring and unexciting it would be. I would take for granted all the greatness my fairy tale life would give me. I would never truly know what great love is without the struggles to find it.
I grow in knowledge daily, if I put my own desires on the back burner, of the love God has for me. Parents, friends, and boyfriends will CONSTANTLY let me down. That's the beauty of God, I wouldn't need him as much if humans were always building me up and meeting my expectations. I can't be hard on them and on myself when expectations aren't met, I have to let go and let God and that's an easier said than done thought.
I hear songs on the radio and think that in some way that song is a worship song from my heart to God. This week my song is Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is". The song is not meant to be worshipful but the lyrics cry out to God (ok it's probably sung to a girl but girls have crazy notions about love that I wouldn't trust). In all reality I don't want some boy to teach me how to love because I know what is truly on his mind and it doesn't end happily ever after for my heart, at least I haven't seen it happen yet.
I want the essence of love to teach me, to guide and instruct me to love, others and myself. I follow a jealous God and I truly believe that my heart wants a jealous love. A love of someone who fights for and desires my affection.
So all you lucky ones who are getting flowers or chocolates for Valentines Day, I'm getting a beautiful sunset and sparkling stars that were created just for me. And for you as well.
I'll remind myself not to be disappointed that my own romantic expectations were not met with dinner and a movie (and maybe a ring...ok a girl can hope!) because in all reality the universe was given to me out of a romantic love from my own heavenly bridegroom!
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me
05 January 2012
Middle School...need I say more?
Today I subbed at Abe Hubert, my ol' middle school stomping ground. Boy did it bring back memories!
Have I ever told you that I didn't really have friends in middle school? I was kind of shy. I moved around in elementary school and intermediate school. My friends from those schools went to the other middle school so it was a new group of people to get to know. It was a lonely yet opening time for me. I made a lot of mistakes, one of them includes tripping a beast of a boy and fracturing my leg but anyway, I have one story that really stuck with me.
I participated in middle school girls basketball. There was one girl on the team that I thought was my "friend". She would ask me to take her home (which meant my mom and I drove her across town to her family trailer). We always took her home. We would talk and laugh the drive time away.
Since my chums all ate together at lunch, I would try and find a spot with them. When I did eat there my "friend" would give me a dollar to go get her a drink from the vending machine. Every time I ate with her she would do that. I thought I was her favorite friend and that she liked me enough to trust me with her dollar.
One day one of the girls that ate at the table came up to me and said that my "friend" would make fun of me when I walked away to get her drink. I didn't ask details because that stung. How could the girl I'm nice to, give rides to, and talk to be so mean to me?
After I found out, my mom and I still gave her rides, I still pretended that we were friends and I never really hung out with her after the basketball season ended. I would think "how can she ask for a ride home from me when her friends she liked are right there?"
Going through this helps me to remember that no matter what I say about someone, somebody is saying something like that about me. This memory has hindered my relationship building, especially during high school, because I feel like my friends will stab me in the back at sometime during our relationship. I do have people that have proven amazing and those are the ones that have broken through my wall I have built up to protect myself and have proven that friends really are a huge blessing instead of a curse.
So there is a back story of my life...it's good to reflect on this, I hadn't noticed what my little friend did to my heart but this is good, time to forgive and forget (again)!
Have I ever told you that I didn't really have friends in middle school? I was kind of shy. I moved around in elementary school and intermediate school. My friends from those schools went to the other middle school so it was a new group of people to get to know. It was a lonely yet opening time for me. I made a lot of mistakes, one of them includes tripping a beast of a boy and fracturing my leg but anyway, I have one story that really stuck with me.
I participated in middle school girls basketball. There was one girl on the team that I thought was my "friend". She would ask me to take her home (which meant my mom and I drove her across town to her family trailer). We always took her home. We would talk and laugh the drive time away.
Since my chums all ate together at lunch, I would try and find a spot with them. When I did eat there my "friend" would give me a dollar to go get her a drink from the vending machine. Every time I ate with her she would do that. I thought I was her favorite friend and that she liked me enough to trust me with her dollar.
One day one of the girls that ate at the table came up to me and said that my "friend" would make fun of me when I walked away to get her drink. I didn't ask details because that stung. How could the girl I'm nice to, give rides to, and talk to be so mean to me?
After I found out, my mom and I still gave her rides, I still pretended that we were friends and I never really hung out with her after the basketball season ended. I would think "how can she ask for a ride home from me when her friends she liked are right there?"
Going through this helps me to remember that no matter what I say about someone, somebody is saying something like that about me. This memory has hindered my relationship building, especially during high school, because I feel like my friends will stab me in the back at sometime during our relationship. I do have people that have proven amazing and those are the ones that have broken through my wall I have built up to protect myself and have proven that friends really are a huge blessing instead of a curse.
So there is a back story of my life...it's good to reflect on this, I hadn't noticed what my little friend did to my heart but this is good, time to forgive and forget (again)!
04 January 2012
The Nephews
Not gonna lie, Skieger and Camrin are a huge part of who I am. They brought the family together with their births. They've added joy and love to our lives. They are also full of laughs and ways to make us laugh.
Now they are so big and getting older by the day. I loved being able to see them while I was in college and being a part of their younger years. After that I drifted away, starting a new life and being away has made it hard on following family.
It's been tough living so far from my dad's family (they all live around Tulsa, OK) and not being able to grow-up with them and getting to know them better. I've struggled with the urge (it seems like a burden some days) to connect with family outside the shadow of my parents. Trying to build relationships with almost complete strangers that I'm related to. It has to be a focus and priority to build up relationships, a big part of it is forgiveness and shedding our own selfish wants and desires to better a relationship. I am floating around now, not really knowing my family. I'm haunted with the thought that any one at any time can pass away and the earthly relationship is over.
Now I have a new niece and I'm set on making her a bigger priority in my life. My nephews have given me a chance to see that little ones are always watching what I do, Lord help me to be a Godly example for the little ones in my life!
Now they are so big and getting older by the day. I loved being able to see them while I was in college and being a part of their younger years. After that I drifted away, starting a new life and being away has made it hard on following family.
It's been tough living so far from my dad's family (they all live around Tulsa, OK) and not being able to grow-up with them and getting to know them better. I've struggled with the urge (it seems like a burden some days) to connect with family outside the shadow of my parents. Trying to build relationships with almost complete strangers that I'm related to. It has to be a focus and priority to build up relationships, a big part of it is forgiveness and shedding our own selfish wants and desires to better a relationship. I am floating around now, not really knowing my family. I'm haunted with the thought that any one at any time can pass away and the earthly relationship is over.
Now I have a new niece and I'm set on making her a bigger priority in my life. My nephews have given me a chance to see that little ones are always watching what I do, Lord help me to be a Godly example for the little ones in my life!
03 January 2012
Since I'm Already Talking About Cousins...
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| Nicole and the Chipmunk |
After working in the parks I have learned that feeding animals, touching animals, and just being around animals is dangerous and harmful for all those involved. I am a changed person since this picture was taken, I no that a fed chipmunk is a dead chipmunk and that they can bite your hand off in a matter of seconds (thank you Zion National Park for that image!) But I feel a sense of responsibility now that I have that knowledge and can't go back to the care-free treatment of animals. I shudder when I see people try and pet a fox and I have to tell someone to stop feeding the birds their breadcrumbs. However when I get back home to Kansas I feed the animals. I take old bread to the zoo, I throw out my banana peel when driving, and I give the cats the meat I don't want to eat.
So is there a difference between the two places? Is it ok to feed the animals in Kansas when it's frowned upon in National Parks? There are a million more people visiting National Parks then there are visiting my Kansas house, should that make a difference? Well this little chipmunk got fed and we had a beautiful day! I'm grateful for the beautiful experiences that have built up in my mind to feed my adventurous side, thanks family!
02 January 2012
Cuz
Today my focus is on cousins. Cousins - The people in your family you can marry in Arkansas, the ones that I played with in ways that made grandma nervous, and a person who lightens up a party just like Cousin Eddie. Today I ponder the great memories I made with my cousins. Even though I may not know them as well as I would like, they still are a part of who I am. Remember your cousins today and send them a little note saying your thinking of them.
My favorite memories with my cousins:
* Wienie roasts and summer nights. On one of those nights Nicole, Robert, and I were walking on the wooden "bridge" above the Catholic ditch. Someone was bouncing on the board and we all tumbled into the cow pea water, right after a shower.
* One day Tyler and Robert come into the house smelling like something fierce. They decided to jump into piles of cow dung for fun.
* Christmas was always better with Nicole and Robert. Sleeping in the living room altogether, I still don't know how Santa made it through without waking someone up.
* Hunting Easter eggs with the cousins from Oklahoma in Grandma Dunbar's back yard. 01 January 2012
The Beginning
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| Grandpa Harvey and I eating watermelon. |
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| Great Grandpa Hanks holding me a couple days old. |
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| Random pictures I've scanned |
To start this new year I need to start at the beginning, family. I would be nowhere without them, especially the ones I have never met or didn't get to know. I start this little project with memories of past experiences where family have shown support and love, through that I have become the woman I am today. I begin with prayers, blessings, and thoughts for my family, may this year bring strengthened relationships and more love.
30 December 2011
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup and surely I’ll buy mine!
As I was thinking about the New Year and reflecting on my upcoming birthday, the song “Auld Lange Syne” came to mind.
Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never
brought to mind?
I realized that I take my relationships and memories for
granted. I’ve grown through every interaction and would not be the woman I am
today without them.
Sure, memories are a mixed blessing. They can bring up joy
and remind us of the love God has for us. Memories can also bring up past hurts
and make us relive anger and bitterness.
While in the education program in college, a huge part of the
learning was reflection. Reflect on how your instruction is going, reflect on
how your students are learning, reflect on what works and what doesn’t. I have
stopped reflecting on my life and on my spiritual journey. I have become
complacent in where I am and I don’t look for new ways to grow and for new ways
to strengthen and encourage the relationships God has given me.
For this first month of this New Year I have decided to
relive the “old times” with some pictures I have found, developed ones not
digital, and just reflect on what I’ve learned and how I grew with each memory and old acquaintance, this year they won’t
be forgotten.
21 July 2011
Another Rainy Day
As I sit on this mountain, waiting for 3 o'clock to roll around so that I can go to work, I ponder. This summer has been unusually unique and I would like to list for you what I have seen, heard, experienced, etc...
*there is snow everywhere (where I live in Paradise) and it is July 21st. I do believe the snow will last until the first snowfall of winter comes in August!
*Lee and I have done a couple pretty epic snow hike and that’s about it. No big plans for a backpacking trip or anything because of the weather (foggy, rainy, cool) and snow.
*Mt Rainier is a national park that takes your gaze and reminds you that nature is suppose
d to be respected. You can’t go out for a nice leisurely hike without thoughts of getting lost, being safe, or protecting yourself from the weather. This mountain commends the strong willed and avid adventurer and will eat up the weak and foolish!
*I have seen death this summer, it was shocking and it is another reminder of how life is so fleeting.
*One of our co-workers went on a hike all alone and didn’t return. Lee and I helped with the search efforts by telling the rangers of his whereabouts because we were one of the last people to see him. They found him two days later in a tree well with a broken ankle, broken rib, and hypothermia. Snow is a beast not to be messed with. Nature has endless power that will suck you up like a piece of dirt into a vacuum.
*The ministry team that I work with this year is amazing and they have really taught me to be a better leader, grow a humble spirit, laugh in the face trouble, and to keep Jesus always in the front of my mind.
*As a ministry team we have monthly smores nights that have been so successful in pulling people away from the drudgery of work and focusing back on the freedom and fun living in a park can bring.
*In the café where I spend time, I have had my soul sucked out because of everything that the company I work for lacks in appreciation, organization, and leadership. As I was reading about Mother Teresa, how she saw the depravity of humanity firsthand in the streets of Calcutta, there was a story about how she cared for a woman being eaten by rats in the street, even though she felt a twinge of disgust Mother Teresa worked with a fully joyful heart out of love, I regained my soul and adjusted my attitude about my job.
*Lee and I were arguing one night about being at Mt Rainier because in all reality we don’t like it here. We were trying to figure out who picked this location to find fault and blame that person. We decided the only reason we are here is because God lead us here through His power. We don’t blame anyone now; we have changed our attitude on our location.
*Lee and I would like to leave. Yesterday a supervisor from the Jackson Visitor Center came into the café and said “Kayla, it’s so nice to see you here and in uniform.” That was a compliment to me because I’m one of the few that haven’t left yet. A couple main people left this past week from the café and that means more work for the people left behind. I won’t leave, I’ve seen what happens when people back out of their contract and it’s a disaster for the ones left behind. So I’ve declared myself a lead and I’m giving God a chance to fix my heart because I feel this is a time for me to raise moral and be a leader since our supervisor really isn’t.
*I’ve seen Mt. Rainier in all its glory! It has a long brown slide on its side because of an avalanche/rock slide. They say it’s the biggest in recorded history on the mountain. Lee heard a rock slide one day while hiking to Camp Muir.
*The rooming situation is nice here for the women in Guidehouse. It’s pretty spacious and clean.
*The drive around the park makes me kind of sick. The roads are windy and narrow in spots and it’s always so long because you are going up or down the mountain.
*I’m excited for September. I get visitors!
*One day, as I was working, during a foggy and cold week where I was just feeling super down I look in the doorway and there stand Blake and Kate Morgan! They came to the Northwest for their honeymoon. It was a HUGE surprise to see collegemates outside of Winfield let alone Kansas! They totally helped ease the gloominess of the weather and my mood.
*I have received cookies in the mail. Chandra, you are super amazing and terrific!
*I received a beautiful postcard of one of the warm beaches of the Philippines, it brightens my day when I look at the picture and when I think of one of the best things that have happened to my life, God gave me a continual blessing when I met Abbie Earwood! (hahaha…earwood…that’s funny to say still)
*I have been reading a lot more and I feel like I have typed some big words in this post so I think I’m gaining knowledge outside of college!
*This summer so far has really been jammed with experiences and people and I see God’s hand at work EVERYDAY!!! It’s nice to see that because sometimes I go somewhere thinking that’s where God wants me and hoping I’m correct but this summer is just a true encouragement KNOWING and SEEING that God is at work here through us!
08 May 2011
Beauty
Do you ever have those days where you look in the mirror and just think to yourself "Man, I look good today!"? Well today was one of those days. It's not because I had just been to the spa, it's not even because I showered. I thought through my actions the past couple of days to figure out what has made this occur. I have come up with three things that I’ve been doing that influence the way I look (and feel) today.
The first thing is taking time to speak with God. Lately I've been riding my bike and running more than usual so that gives me extra time to think and pray over God's truth. I have nothing else to do during this time so I use it as a chance to go on a run/ride with my Creator. A time for Him to show me the beauty of the place He has put me in. This is a time to be filled with strength and endurance to follow Him (and finish my exercise). In Exodus 34:29 the author writes about how Moses goes atop the mountain, speaks with God, and then comes down the mountain, glowing with beauty after speaking to his Lord. There's no easier way to look beautiful than to spend time with the One who created your beauty and thinks you are the prettiest in the world.
Next is drinking tons of water. I gave blood this week and I always try and drink enough fluids to make the giving process the easiest and fastest it can be. Then I decided to start drinking a liter of water as soon as I wake up in the morning to detox the insides. Drinking water is like a game to me, to see how much water I can suck through the straw of my water bottle or water blatter. Using my Camelbak water bottle I can easily stock up on the liquids I need. Not only water but also eating healthy and exercising is important as well. When I was younger, growing up in a church, I was filled with the thoughts of "your face doesn't make you beautiful", "your outward appearance doesn't matter", and "it's about your heart, not your make-up or jewelry". I never connected the two worlds of faith and exercise. I felt that is I would exercise it means I care more about my body then my faith. After reading this article…
(http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Diet/faith-fat-religious-youths-obese-mid-life/story?id=13204624)
I finally connected my "beliefs" and "thoughts" discovering that it was really great to learn about inner beauty in youth group, as a growing girl I needed to learn modesty and not how to get ahead by using my looks, but it would have been nice to have the chance to learn about being healthy and how it affects your faith. (I mean the game of La'Roach is awesome, don’t get me wrong. I did learn some games in youth group.)
As Christians we have to be prepared for anything and that means beating our bodies into submission! Using what I learned during exercise can be equated to my spiritual walk. In Ephesians 6 it tells us to put on the armor of God. Armor isn’t light and it takes someone in shape to be able to move with it on. I've never learned discipline better than the season I ran cross country in college. I learned the beauty of practicing and working everyday to feel prepared for racing. I can relate that to spending time in God’s word and working toward a goal in faith everyday makes me feel ready to conquer the attacks on my heart. I can’t go without running for a week and expect to be fast at a race and I can’t go without being captivated by my God and expect to not fall into self-pity.
Camaraderie, or being apart of a team, is needed in this life to survive and thrive! As a team all the runners knew what I was going through and were super encouraging because of that. On the flip side I finally understood the craziness people have to be able to do something like cross country. It's the same as Christians walking in faith. We know that someone in our big human family knows what we are going through with persecution, daily struggles, and trying to stay fully committed to our walk. To be beautiful, you need to feel beautiful; water and exercise really do the trick in making your body think it's beautiful with all the benefits and stress relieving they contain. Don't forget that what you put in is what you get out! If you eat chocolate cake you’re not going to be pooping out carrots!
The last thing that makes anyone feel beautiful is the power of encouraging, complimentary words. Proverbs 16:24 says “kind words are like honey—sweet to the soul and healthy for the body”. When you are having a rough day at work there’s nothing better than the words of a co-worker or boss saying “good job on that project. You really nailed it.” or when you are feeling ubber ugly and someone compliments your hair or your outfit choice it brightens our thoughts. Words are our attitude builders or destroyers throughout our day. Even the tone of our speech can affect someone’s day. If someone yells at you or talks with no interest in their voice, the words resonate as a bad thing. James 3:1-12 talks about how important our tongue and our speech really are. Our words are the reflection of our hearts, we have to reflect on what we say so we can tell where our hearts are focused. Is the heart focused on love or on selfish desires? Have you spoken building/encouraging words or hurtful/spiteful words? A beautiful women’s beauty is also shown through her mouth! Using Twain’s quote we can replace “a fool” with “beautiful” and it means the same thing! “It's better to stay silent and look a fool, rather than speak and remove all doubt.” - Mark Twain.
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