I've been reading a book titled The Good and Beautiful Community by James Bryan Smith (in the book he talks about the college Friends because he worked there and that brought out my Jinxy Cat pride since my alma mater is their rivals. GO SC!).
This book has brought to light a narrative that has been a cornerstone of my faith and also the cause of much frustration, stress, and defeat. The checklist for being a Christian narrative. I've realized that a lot of my beliefs are stemming from this. The list is exhaustive and with every new chapter I read another item or two is added.
Examples include baptism, forgiving others, having hope, being right with God during communion or you might internally combust (I stress out about this one a lot), my identity is found in what I do, etc. These may seem small and harmless but these items have been the cause of much distress in my faith. I'm not good enough to do these items. I CAN'T DO IT, I fail, I'm useless, and it's NOT about me!
Smith has brought to my attention that Satan has turned these items into legalistic rules to be a Christian in my life. He's been feeding me YEARS of lies that I'm slowly digging myself out of. I'm so thankful for the truth that is being shown in my life through this. I've found freedom through the truth that if my "heart beats in love with Jesus"(Smith) then I can fellowship. It's not what I've done or will do it's about where my heart is.
Those items that "make me Christian" have actually skewed and interfered with my relationship with my creator. It's not what can I do to get better, the focus and responsibility is off of me and more on God's love and how I react to it! Those items should be more of a reaction to God's love and NOT about getting me closer to God.
I'm also taking part in a mindfulness summit (http://themindfulnesssummit.com/) that is focusing on the practice of mindfulness and is linked to Buddhist teachings. I enjoy learning and gaining new insight and practices to add to my faith and thought this would be a benefit.
As I was watching the video today it occurred to me why Christianity is my religious thought to follow- I don't have to do it! I can't and won't ever have the right life to reach nirvana or take myself away from suffering. It's not what I do that does that, it's God that helps me through suffering and to enlightenment.
I'm not and will never be good enough to live a life that will break the incarnation cycle. It's too stressful to think about doing things to make me good enough. It's so freeing to know that it's not me who will do it but instead because of God's love I don't have that responsibility and because of Jesus' sacrifice I'm a part of God's plan.
So, when I slip-up, when I fail at checking the items off of my Christian list, it won't affect my after life. I don't have to beat myself up over it. I am loved and taken care of and because of that I live in freedom that it's not my goodness but instead it's God's love that crosses the items to be done off and I live in the peace that passes understanding, overflowing in the joy of the truth of the Lord!
I don't have to be a good person, I just live in the reaction I have to God's overwhelming love!
02 October 2015
20 January 2013
The Greatest Commandment is to Love God....
with all your heart, soul, and strength (Matthew 22:37-38).
This was the basis of the children's message today at church. I would like to share the insight that I received from focusing on this and the Deuteronomy 6 scripture.
This
week let’s remember to show God how much we love Him. We can tell Him through
prayer, show Him through our kind actions to others, or ask our parents more about
what God is like.
This was the basis of the children's message today at church. I would like to share the insight that I received from focusing on this and the Deuteronomy 6 scripture.
Our scripture reading today had this verse
and I thought it was interesting to think about. How do we love God with our
heart, soul, and strength? What are some examples that you do? Is it easy to
do? Do you do it every day? Hmmm…lets dig deeper into this verse.Love the Lord your God with all your heart.
Did you know that our fist is the same size as our heart? Our heart sometimes stands for what emotion? What is an emotion? That’s right! Our heart is the center of our emotions,
thoughts, and words.
The Bible says to guard our heart for it is the wellspring
of life, that’s a fancy way of saying keep our heart covered from bad things
because it’s the cause of our actions. How can we love God through our emotions,
actions, and thoughts? An example is if we get angry
and make a fist, let’s remember that our fist is the same size as our heart and
that our heart equals love. So when we get angry, how can we show love? When we are sad how can we show love? When we are happy how
can we show love?
The next part of our verse is “Love the
Lord your God with all your soul”. I
think soul means everything we are and how we interact with God. When we look
at this math problem, is it easy to understand? Just like God is complex,
that’s a fancy word for saying hard to understand, sometimes, so is this math
problem. By reading about math, practicing math problems, and learning from a
wise teacher we will someday fully understand how to solve this problem. Same
as if we read the Bible, practice showing love, and learn from older kids and
adults about God and Jesus we will someday fully understand him. Learning about God is a way to love Him; it
shows that we care about Him because we will spend time getting to know Him, we
are interested in Him.
The last part of this verse is “Love the
Lord your God with all your strength” or might in some versions. Can anyone lift this weight? Well it says in Philippians that I can do all
things through Christ who STRENGTHENS me. Jesus is the one who gives us
strength, not ourselves. Our bodies are on loan from Christ and by using what
God has given us wisely is a great way to show God we love Him. What are some
things God gives us besides our strength? How can we use them wisely? (examples eg. God gives us toys through our parents or friends, we can use them
wisely by sharing them with our brother).
12 January 2013
To be a Christian without prayer...
...is no more possible than to be alive without breathing. - Martin Luther King, Jr.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Today as my 3 year old niece and I were enjoying a tea-party she stopped me and said "don't drink yet, we need to pray". I was taken aback by that comment but inside I was pleasantly surprised. We stopped pouring tea, bowed our heads, and she spouted off a couple words I couldn't understand. I think God heard, understood, and was enjoying the conversation over tea.
After a couple cups of tea found their place in our bellies, Ry looks up at me and spoke "STOP, it's your turn to pray to the Father". I bowed my head and offered a thanks to God for the "tea" and the company. How simple it was to stop what we were doing (for a few seconds) and pray. There's not a better way to bring people together then over a meal or tea. Discussions, conversations, and true community happen around the table. It's easier to remember to pray when sitting around the table seeing the blessings that God provides through food but we are called to pray continually!
The dictionary definition for continually is "very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually". The word habitually stuck out the most to me. Prayer should be a habit not just a second thought throughout our day. Yesterday as I was walking home from school I was thinking about how I didn't pray once while I was in the classroom. I prayed while I was getting ready before school but not during. As the day went on, my nerves were frazzling, and the students were getting wild, that's when I needed to pray the most! Praying in the morning was a great way to get my day started and praying while going home was a productive time to spend the minutes walking but praying should be ongoing not only during certain times of the day; like supper when sitting around the dinner table.
How can I make prayer a habit? Every time I pass something, think something, or do something how can I get my thoughts to go directly into conversation with my creator?
It'll take practice, discipline, and grace from God to help me do this. I read on a website at beliefnet.com, ten quick ways to pray. Here's the list:
1. When your alarm goes off in the morning, open your eyes and repeat this line from the Psalms: "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad."
2. Water is a powerful spiritual symbol. As you soap and rinse in the shower, pray to be cleansed of any feelings of anger, bitterness, resentment, or regret. Recall the words of Isaiah (58:11): "The Lord will guide you continually… You shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail."
3. This one is especially for those who commute to work. Turn your time behind the wheel into time for prayer. Before starting the car engine, place your hands lightly on the steering wheel and breathe deeply several times. Ask the Holy Spirit to steer you through your day. Back out of your driveway slowly, and remain aware of the slowness. As you drive, think about your 'to-be' list. Let words like compassionate, serene and diligent percolate through your mind. Let grace-filled thoughts carry you in a loving manner through the day.
4. If you work on an upper floor in a multi-story building, skip the elevator and climb the stairs. Make your climb work for your body and your soul. Climb thoughtfully, breathing slowly. Use the time alone to experience a connection with God. Pause at each landing. Catch your breath, and focus for a moment on the blessings in your life. Say thanks before continuing your climb.
5. No stairs? Next time you share an elevator with someone, say a silent prayer. Ask God to meet the other person's unique needs. Add a smile of your own.
6. We all feel too busy. It has become a workplace axiom that multi-tasking is a good thing, but a growing body of research shows that it actually erodes productivity. Instead of dividing our concentration among many tasks, do one thing at a time-prayerfully. Offer your work as a prayerful gift to God. Ask for the grace to do it meaningfully, and without anxiety.
7. In times of stress, we are often tempted to reach for foods that aren't healthy for us. Before you reach for the fried foods, sugar or chips- try this. Wait one minute. Offer the minute to God and ask for the grace you need to control your appetite. Chances are you'll no longer be tempted until the minute is up. If you do give in-just remember, God forgives you. Forgive yourself.
8. Native Americans have this saying: "Never let a day go by without touching the earth with your foot." If only a couple of times each week, take a five or ten minute break to walk in a meditative way. Give up your usual energized stride to pay attention to the movement of lifting your leg, bending your knee, and placing your foot. Observe your breathing and your body. Look around. Notice the squirrels, the trees, and the sounds of nature. Nature tunes us into God's presence.
9. Next time you cook, pay attention to the memories that are sparked by the dishes you make. Perhaps you have old recipes lying around that you have forgotten about. Bless all those who sweeten your recollections, thanking God for the spiritual nourishment these people have brought to your life.
10. This is a good one for moms of school kids. When making your child's lunch, whisper a prayer as though you are sending the prayer right into your child's meal. You might even tuck in a blessing on a post-it note.
Some of these ideas aren't pertinent per say but good idea starters and ways to change our thoughts and attitudes toward prayer. I hope our thoughts about prayer may change from just at tables and in bed, to a continuous conversation. Let it be a constant on-going tea party with the lover of our souls.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Today as my 3 year old niece and I were enjoying a tea-party she stopped me and said "don't drink yet, we need to pray". I was taken aback by that comment but inside I was pleasantly surprised. We stopped pouring tea, bowed our heads, and she spouted off a couple words I couldn't understand. I think God heard, understood, and was enjoying the conversation over tea.
After a couple cups of tea found their place in our bellies, Ry looks up at me and spoke "STOP, it's your turn to pray to the Father". I bowed my head and offered a thanks to God for the "tea" and the company. How simple it was to stop what we were doing (for a few seconds) and pray. There's not a better way to bring people together then over a meal or tea. Discussions, conversations, and true community happen around the table. It's easier to remember to pray when sitting around the table seeing the blessings that God provides through food but we are called to pray continually!
The dictionary definition for continually is "very often; at regular or frequent intervals; habitually". The word habitually stuck out the most to me. Prayer should be a habit not just a second thought throughout our day. Yesterday as I was walking home from school I was thinking about how I didn't pray once while I was in the classroom. I prayed while I was getting ready before school but not during. As the day went on, my nerves were frazzling, and the students were getting wild, that's when I needed to pray the most! Praying in the morning was a great way to get my day started and praying while going home was a productive time to spend the minutes walking but praying should be ongoing not only during certain times of the day; like supper when sitting around the dinner table.
How can I make prayer a habit? Every time I pass something, think something, or do something how can I get my thoughts to go directly into conversation with my creator?
It'll take practice, discipline, and grace from God to help me do this. I read on a website at beliefnet.com, ten quick ways to pray. Here's the list:
1. When your alarm goes off in the morning, open your eyes and repeat this line from the Psalms: "This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad."
2. Water is a powerful spiritual symbol. As you soap and rinse in the shower, pray to be cleansed of any feelings of anger, bitterness, resentment, or regret. Recall the words of Isaiah (58:11): "The Lord will guide you continually… You shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters never fail."
3. This one is especially for those who commute to work. Turn your time behind the wheel into time for prayer. Before starting the car engine, place your hands lightly on the steering wheel and breathe deeply several times. Ask the Holy Spirit to steer you through your day. Back out of your driveway slowly, and remain aware of the slowness. As you drive, think about your 'to-be' list. Let words like compassionate, serene and diligent percolate through your mind. Let grace-filled thoughts carry you in a loving manner through the day.
4. If you work on an upper floor in a multi-story building, skip the elevator and climb the stairs. Make your climb work for your body and your soul. Climb thoughtfully, breathing slowly. Use the time alone to experience a connection with God. Pause at each landing. Catch your breath, and focus for a moment on the blessings in your life. Say thanks before continuing your climb.
5. No stairs? Next time you share an elevator with someone, say a silent prayer. Ask God to meet the other person's unique needs. Add a smile of your own.
6. We all feel too busy. It has become a workplace axiom that multi-tasking is a good thing, but a growing body of research shows that it actually erodes productivity. Instead of dividing our concentration among many tasks, do one thing at a time-prayerfully. Offer your work as a prayerful gift to God. Ask for the grace to do it meaningfully, and without anxiety.
7. In times of stress, we are often tempted to reach for foods that aren't healthy for us. Before you reach for the fried foods, sugar or chips- try this. Wait one minute. Offer the minute to God and ask for the grace you need to control your appetite. Chances are you'll no longer be tempted until the minute is up. If you do give in-just remember, God forgives you. Forgive yourself.
8. Native Americans have this saying: "Never let a day go by without touching the earth with your foot." If only a couple of times each week, take a five or ten minute break to walk in a meditative way. Give up your usual energized stride to pay attention to the movement of lifting your leg, bending your knee, and placing your foot. Observe your breathing and your body. Look around. Notice the squirrels, the trees, and the sounds of nature. Nature tunes us into God's presence.
9. Next time you cook, pay attention to the memories that are sparked by the dishes you make. Perhaps you have old recipes lying around that you have forgotten about. Bless all those who sweeten your recollections, thanking God for the spiritual nourishment these people have brought to your life.
10. This is a good one for moms of school kids. When making your child's lunch, whisper a prayer as though you are sending the prayer right into your child's meal. You might even tuck in a blessing on a post-it note.
Some of these ideas aren't pertinent per say but good idea starters and ways to change our thoughts and attitudes toward prayer. I hope our thoughts about prayer may change from just at tables and in bed, to a continuous conversation. Let it be a constant on-going tea party with the lover of our souls.04 January 2013
He's Got The Whole What!?!?
It's a new year.
It's a time for fresh beginnings.
It's a time for reflection and change.
It's a time for stress, depression,and worry.
Last night as I was driving home I was reflecting on my new responsibilities, my relationships, and my attitude. 2012 was not a year of growth, it was a year of stuck in the mud. I'm glad I can look back and see what my faith and relationships were like and how I can use my mistakes to change my attitude for 2013.
The first thought that came to mind was of how JESUS came to save (John 3:17, a verse looked over a lot because of the predecessor, John 3:16) not me. I didn't come to save anybody or anything. I am a sinner, a failure, and I fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). I focused on trying to fix myself all on my own last year that I just ran into a wall, fell over, and didn't get anywhere. It was a discouraging year but this year will be different. It's a time for beginnings, change, and worry...
How do I continue to give up my shortcomings to Jesus? How do I stop myself from fixing my own heart and my own problems? What is this year really going to be like, what will happen to me?
To answer those questions (and more) I need to change my attitude and way of self-thinking. I need to decide that Jesus is trustworthy and that He can do it better than I can any day. I also need to understand that He truly cares!!! Jesus WANTS to love me, change me, and SAVE me.
As I continued driving, the song "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" popped into my head. I was singing it but then new lyrics came to me...He's got my future in His hands, He's got my future in His hands, He's got my future in His hands, He's got my whole life in His hands...
It was encouraging to be reminded that God has this, I just have to let Him work. I kept singing and adding my own words like relationships, worries and cares, etc.
He's got it ALL in His hands, I just need to keep it there and not try to take over. To a new year and a new attitude!
It's a time for fresh beginnings.
It's a time for reflection and change.
It's a time for stress, depression,and worry.
Last night as I was driving home I was reflecting on my new responsibilities, my relationships, and my attitude. 2012 was not a year of growth, it was a year of stuck in the mud. I'm glad I can look back and see what my faith and relationships were like and how I can use my mistakes to change my attitude for 2013.
The first thought that came to mind was of how JESUS came to save (John 3:17, a verse looked over a lot because of the predecessor, John 3:16) not me. I didn't come to save anybody or anything. I am a sinner, a failure, and I fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). I focused on trying to fix myself all on my own last year that I just ran into a wall, fell over, and didn't get anywhere. It was a discouraging year but this year will be different. It's a time for beginnings, change, and worry...
How do I continue to give up my shortcomings to Jesus? How do I stop myself from fixing my own heart and my own problems? What is this year really going to be like, what will happen to me?
To answer those questions (and more) I need to change my attitude and way of self-thinking. I need to decide that Jesus is trustworthy and that He can do it better than I can any day. I also need to understand that He truly cares!!! Jesus WANTS to love me, change me, and SAVE me.
As I continued driving, the song "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" popped into my head. I was singing it but then new lyrics came to me...He's got my future in His hands, He's got my future in His hands, He's got my future in His hands, He's got my whole life in His hands...
It was encouraging to be reminded that God has this, I just have to let Him work. I kept singing and adding my own words like relationships, worries and cares, etc.
He's got it ALL in His hands, I just need to keep it there and not try to take over. To a new year and a new attitude!
13 February 2012
The Love Thing
It's Valentines Week...
I just saw The Vow...
I'm staying with my married friend and her hubby...
It's hard to not fall into that "where's my knight in shining armor and happily ever after" or I want a head-over-heels kind of love, mind-frame.
As I digest the stimuli, memories, and thoughts that surround me right now, I keep remembering that I don't really know what a knight or head-over-heels love is. In Corinthians 13 it gives the definition of a true, great love and in 1 John I read that GOD IS LOVE.
Alas my heart so desperately wants to know that someone is thinking about me, cares about me, and wants to hear my voice everyday. I want a physical human being to fit this description but these expectations may be too high. I know love is not a check list of qualifications that is completed on time every time like I try to turn it into.
I have a new years goal of learning how to love and I have discovered that first I need to unlearn what I think, have seen, and been told about what love is! How great it would be to have a fairy tale life but how boring and unexciting it would be. I would take for granted all the greatness my fairy tale life would give me. I would never truly know what great love is without the struggles to find it.
I grow in knowledge daily, if I put my own desires on the back burner, of the love God has for me. Parents, friends, and boyfriends will CONSTANTLY let me down. That's the beauty of God, I wouldn't need him as much if humans were always building me up and meeting my expectations. I can't be hard on them and on myself when expectations aren't met, I have to let go and let God and that's an easier said than done thought.
I hear songs on the radio and think that in some way that song is a worship song from my heart to God. This week my song is Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is". The song is not meant to be worshipful but the lyrics cry out to God (ok it's probably sung to a girl but girls have crazy notions about love that I wouldn't trust). In all reality I don't want some boy to teach me how to love because I know what is truly on his mind and it doesn't end happily ever after for my heart, at least I haven't seen it happen yet.
I want the essence of love to teach me, to guide and instruct me to love, others and myself. I follow a jealous God and I truly believe that my heart wants a jealous love. A love of someone who fights for and desires my affection.
So all you lucky ones who are getting flowers or chocolates for Valentines Day, I'm getting a beautiful sunset and sparkling stars that were created just for me. And for you as well.
I'll remind myself not to be disappointed that my own romantic expectations were not met with dinner and a movie (and maybe a ring...ok a girl can hope!) because in all reality the universe was given to me out of a romantic love from my own heavenly bridegroom!
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me
I just saw The Vow...
I'm staying with my married friend and her hubby...
It's hard to not fall into that "where's my knight in shining armor and happily ever after" or I want a head-over-heels kind of love, mind-frame.
As I digest the stimuli, memories, and thoughts that surround me right now, I keep remembering that I don't really know what a knight or head-over-heels love is. In Corinthians 13 it gives the definition of a true, great love and in 1 John I read that GOD IS LOVE.
Alas my heart so desperately wants to know that someone is thinking about me, cares about me, and wants to hear my voice everyday. I want a physical human being to fit this description but these expectations may be too high. I know love is not a check list of qualifications that is completed on time every time like I try to turn it into.
I have a new years goal of learning how to love and I have discovered that first I need to unlearn what I think, have seen, and been told about what love is! How great it would be to have a fairy tale life but how boring and unexciting it would be. I would take for granted all the greatness my fairy tale life would give me. I would never truly know what great love is without the struggles to find it.
I grow in knowledge daily, if I put my own desires on the back burner, of the love God has for me. Parents, friends, and boyfriends will CONSTANTLY let me down. That's the beauty of God, I wouldn't need him as much if humans were always building me up and meeting my expectations. I can't be hard on them and on myself when expectations aren't met, I have to let go and let God and that's an easier said than done thought.
I hear songs on the radio and think that in some way that song is a worship song from my heart to God. This week my song is Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is". The song is not meant to be worshipful but the lyrics cry out to God (ok it's probably sung to a girl but girls have crazy notions about love that I wouldn't trust). In all reality I don't want some boy to teach me how to love because I know what is truly on his mind and it doesn't end happily ever after for my heart, at least I haven't seen it happen yet.
I want the essence of love to teach me, to guide and instruct me to love, others and myself. I follow a jealous God and I truly believe that my heart wants a jealous love. A love of someone who fights for and desires my affection.
So all you lucky ones who are getting flowers or chocolates for Valentines Day, I'm getting a beautiful sunset and sparkling stars that were created just for me. And for you as well.
I'll remind myself not to be disappointed that my own romantic expectations were not met with dinner and a movie (and maybe a ring...ok a girl can hope!) because in all reality the universe was given to me out of a romantic love from my own heavenly bridegroom!
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
Aaaah woah-ah-aah
Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
And through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
Aaaah woah-oh-ooh
I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me, oooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh oooh
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me
05 January 2012
Middle School...need I say more?
Today I subbed at Abe Hubert, my ol' middle school stomping ground. Boy did it bring back memories!
Have I ever told you that I didn't really have friends in middle school? I was kind of shy. I moved around in elementary school and intermediate school. My friends from those schools went to the other middle school so it was a new group of people to get to know. It was a lonely yet opening time for me. I made a lot of mistakes, one of them includes tripping a beast of a boy and fracturing my leg but anyway, I have one story that really stuck with me.
I participated in middle school girls basketball. There was one girl on the team that I thought was my "friend". She would ask me to take her home (which meant my mom and I drove her across town to her family trailer). We always took her home. We would talk and laugh the drive time away.
Since my chums all ate together at lunch, I would try and find a spot with them. When I did eat there my "friend" would give me a dollar to go get her a drink from the vending machine. Every time I ate with her she would do that. I thought I was her favorite friend and that she liked me enough to trust me with her dollar.
One day one of the girls that ate at the table came up to me and said that my "friend" would make fun of me when I walked away to get her drink. I didn't ask details because that stung. How could the girl I'm nice to, give rides to, and talk to be so mean to me?
After I found out, my mom and I still gave her rides, I still pretended that we were friends and I never really hung out with her after the basketball season ended. I would think "how can she ask for a ride home from me when her friends she liked are right there?"
Going through this helps me to remember that no matter what I say about someone, somebody is saying something like that about me. This memory has hindered my relationship building, especially during high school, because I feel like my friends will stab me in the back at sometime during our relationship. I do have people that have proven amazing and those are the ones that have broken through my wall I have built up to protect myself and have proven that friends really are a huge blessing instead of a curse.
So there is a back story of my life...it's good to reflect on this, I hadn't noticed what my little friend did to my heart but this is good, time to forgive and forget (again)!
Have I ever told you that I didn't really have friends in middle school? I was kind of shy. I moved around in elementary school and intermediate school. My friends from those schools went to the other middle school so it was a new group of people to get to know. It was a lonely yet opening time for me. I made a lot of mistakes, one of them includes tripping a beast of a boy and fracturing my leg but anyway, I have one story that really stuck with me.
I participated in middle school girls basketball. There was one girl on the team that I thought was my "friend". She would ask me to take her home (which meant my mom and I drove her across town to her family trailer). We always took her home. We would talk and laugh the drive time away.
Since my chums all ate together at lunch, I would try and find a spot with them. When I did eat there my "friend" would give me a dollar to go get her a drink from the vending machine. Every time I ate with her she would do that. I thought I was her favorite friend and that she liked me enough to trust me with her dollar.
One day one of the girls that ate at the table came up to me and said that my "friend" would make fun of me when I walked away to get her drink. I didn't ask details because that stung. How could the girl I'm nice to, give rides to, and talk to be so mean to me?
After I found out, my mom and I still gave her rides, I still pretended that we were friends and I never really hung out with her after the basketball season ended. I would think "how can she ask for a ride home from me when her friends she liked are right there?"
Going through this helps me to remember that no matter what I say about someone, somebody is saying something like that about me. This memory has hindered my relationship building, especially during high school, because I feel like my friends will stab me in the back at sometime during our relationship. I do have people that have proven amazing and those are the ones that have broken through my wall I have built up to protect myself and have proven that friends really are a huge blessing instead of a curse.
So there is a back story of my life...it's good to reflect on this, I hadn't noticed what my little friend did to my heart but this is good, time to forgive and forget (again)!
04 January 2012
The Nephews
Not gonna lie, Skieger and Camrin are a huge part of who I am. They brought the family together with their births. They've added joy and love to our lives. They are also full of laughs and ways to make us laugh.
Now they are so big and getting older by the day. I loved being able to see them while I was in college and being a part of their younger years. After that I drifted away, starting a new life and being away has made it hard on following family.
It's been tough living so far from my dad's family (they all live around Tulsa, OK) and not being able to grow-up with them and getting to know them better. I've struggled with the urge (it seems like a burden some days) to connect with family outside the shadow of my parents. Trying to build relationships with almost complete strangers that I'm related to. It has to be a focus and priority to build up relationships, a big part of it is forgiveness and shedding our own selfish wants and desires to better a relationship. I am floating around now, not really knowing my family. I'm haunted with the thought that any one at any time can pass away and the earthly relationship is over.
Now I have a new niece and I'm set on making her a bigger priority in my life. My nephews have given me a chance to see that little ones are always watching what I do, Lord help me to be a Godly example for the little ones in my life!
Now they are so big and getting older by the day. I loved being able to see them while I was in college and being a part of their younger years. After that I drifted away, starting a new life and being away has made it hard on following family.
It's been tough living so far from my dad's family (they all live around Tulsa, OK) and not being able to grow-up with them and getting to know them better. I've struggled with the urge (it seems like a burden some days) to connect with family outside the shadow of my parents. Trying to build relationships with almost complete strangers that I'm related to. It has to be a focus and priority to build up relationships, a big part of it is forgiveness and shedding our own selfish wants and desires to better a relationship. I am floating around now, not really knowing my family. I'm haunted with the thought that any one at any time can pass away and the earthly relationship is over.
Now I have a new niece and I'm set on making her a bigger priority in my life. My nephews have given me a chance to see that little ones are always watching what I do, Lord help me to be a Godly example for the little ones in my life!
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